To be completely honest... I've been struggling lately.
You know how you have your highs and your lows....
Well generally speaking I am not really at a high or a low. I am kind of just coasting in the middle trying to get through each day. I often wonder why I am so stressed and anxious but then I take a step back and look at all the of the things I am doing. I often forget that trying to balance school, work, husband, family, healthy eating, working out, friends, sleep, and religion can be very difficult. I often think that because I don't have kids my life shouldn't be or isn't crazy. BUT when I am trying to do all those things at 100% it gets really overwhelming. Those aspects in my life are all equally important to me and it's a struggle for me to try and give them all 100% when I only have 12 hours in a day to accomplish them. It would be so much easier if our bodies didn't require sleep. I would be able to get so much more done.
I put religion last for a reason, although it shouldn't be. If I were to take a look at where my priorities really are, unfortunately that's probably where religion would fall.
So most aspects of my life right now are closer to the high peak than the low peak. Yes, I may be stressed but I am still happy with my life and doing well with all that I am trying to accomplish. BUT religion, because I have put it on the back burner while I try to accomplish all the other things in my life, is at a low.
The thing that is absolutely crazy to me is that, I KNOW THE SOLUTION.
Man if only I knew the solution to all my work in school. I would totally jump on that and take advantage of it. So why, when it comes to my religion do I not do the same?
I know exactly how to bring the spirit in my life.
I know how to bring my testimony up.
I know how to have more faith.
I know how to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I know these things because I have experienced a time where I was at an all time high when it came to my own personal spiritual level. I will forever be thankful for that time in my life because I can look back on it at times like these and know what I need to do to bring it back.
Now doing it is another thing......
Anyway to get to the main point of this post.... At work sometimes I will open up the Gospel Library app and read either a conference talk or scripture. I hardly ever make it through the whole thing but I am trying at least. A couple days ago I opened up the New Testament to Peter and loved what I read. For the first time in a long time it really hit me and was exactly what I needed to hear.
1 Peter chapter one
3: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead
4: To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefined, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you.
So I really liked the sound of that last verse and wanted to look up what exactly it meant by inheritance. It took me to Matthew 6:19-21 "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth......But lay up for yourselves treasure in heaven......For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." It also took me to Corinthians 9:24 "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain."
I liked the versus in Matthew because it talks about treasures that we are in charge of. Although there is an inheritance reserved in Heaven for us, we still have to do our part here on earth. I liked Corinthians because you can sense the urgency in it. We should be running and striving for that inheritance by doing all that we can to make sure we are worthy to receive all that is in store for us.
5: Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
6: Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, year are in heaviness through manifest temptations (trials,afflictions):
7: That the trial of your faith being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.
That verse was the one that really struck me. Because I've been at such a low point, spiritually, I feel in a sense that my faith is being tried. I don't doubt what I know but how can you maintain strong faith when you are not nourishing it at all. But as I continued to read.....I realized times like these are so important. Like the verse says they are more precious than gold that perisheth. I guess I already knew that but I LOVE how this verse stated it. It reminded me that it's ok to have low times because when you can finally pick yourself up and get out of the slump, you grow. These times when our faith is being tried "with fire" they will be "found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ. I don't know about the rest of you but just living in the world we live in I feel like my faith is constantly being tried "with fire!"
8: Whom having not see, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:
I will end there but the rest of the chapter is just as good and got me excited for conference next weekend. Hopefully I can listen with an open mind and heart to help get me out of this spiritual slump!
Study, Pray, and Ponder
.
Oh hey remember me?
It's been a while since I've blogged on here.
So I'm not even quite sure where to start with this post but I've had a lot of things on my mind and I just feel like this blog is a better place to put my thoughts. I can honestly say I miss and crave that time in my life when I started this blog. Reason being, I was so in tune with myself and with the gospel. I felt so close to my Savior Jesus Christ and just felt at peace. It was a different kind of peace though, life still got hectic and I'm sure I still panicked. But at the end of the day I was so content and so at peace with where I was at in life. I remember when I made the decision in Texas to just take an hour out of my day to just study, whether it be the scriptures, talks, a book, whatever. I just wanted to study and think without distraction. I turned off my phone and began. Little did I know the big effect that decision (and making it a habit) would have on me.
Now, I often catch myself wondering WHY I cant get myself to start doing that again. I think I forget the long road it took me to get to making that small decision. In my mind it all mushes together and I feel like my spiritual growth happened over night BUT it didn't and I have to remind myself that often.
Life gets busy and in my down times I just want to relax and not think!
I drove up to Salt Lake a couple weekends ago by myself. I was so bummed that Craig couldn't come with me but honestly I desperately needed those 4 hours, I later found out. It made me remember how important it is to distance ourselves from the world around us and just take time to ourselves and THINK.
One thing that was hard about Texas but so rewarded was the LONG drives everywhere! Seriously it took at least 30 if not 40 min to get anywhere! But during those long drives it gave me plenty of time to listen to music/think.
40 minutes into the drive I think I was already tearing up... I don't even know what lead me to the thoughts I was having but I was so overwhelmed with the spirit. What really got me going was something I read on facebook ( I know I was driving but.....) It was just a silly little thing about what girls deserve out of a relationship or something I don't even remember. But it just got me thinking about some people I really care about and what they deserve and then I started thinking about my future girls and that's where I lost it!
Those of you who know me really well, know the anxiety I get when I think about having kids. Not the taking care of them or having a baby, those things don't scare me. It's the how do I teach them and how to love them unconditionally no matter what decisions they end up making. Those thoughts eat me alive because, people, we live in a CRAPPY world right now! I just had overwhelming thoughts such as how do I teach my girls of there worth and how special they are and what they deserve! It's pretty bad when I'm already worried about my kids and I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY YET! Heaven help me for when I actually have them. I think I'm slightly worried to have kids because of that reason. If I'm already anxious now how is it going to be when they are here!?
During the middle of my anxiety attack I had a moment of sweet clarity as if someone was speaking to my heart. I realized in that moment how hard it must have been for God to send us down here knowing what we would face! It wasn't anything profound, but those moments where you can relate to Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ are so calming. He had faith in us as I need to have faith in my future kids or even myself.
I guess another reason is, I feel so inadequate to be a parent as I'm sure most people feel. I don't feel like I myself or Craig and I as a couple are on the spiritual level I want to be on for when we start having a family. And I probably wont ever feel like we are on the level we need to be on considering we are being sent a perfect little soul straight from Heaven!
I recently was talking to a friend about how we envisioned marriage. We thought it would be so easy as a couple to just say prayers every night and read scriptures together. It would be so easy to focus our lives on the gospel and have Christ the center of our relationship......Well reality hit us both hard because it is definitely no walk in the park. It is hard work to make those things a habit in a relationship! It's even harder to set those goals for yourself to have personal prayer and scripture study. Now hopefully we aren't the only two out there that feel this way, but maybe we are, who knows. But man it has been a learning experience for me and I strive everyday (with a lot more fails that triumphs) to set those goals personally and as a couple.
I've just felt a little lost lately and after that car ride my eyes were opened to the fact that I just need to take time out of each day or as often as I can to just think to myself. We all need time to ourselves if we want to know ourselves!
So here's to a random blog post and hope that I can change up a few things in my daily routine.
It's been a while since I've blogged on here.
So I'm not even quite sure where to start with this post but I've had a lot of things on my mind and I just feel like this blog is a better place to put my thoughts. I can honestly say I miss and crave that time in my life when I started this blog. Reason being, I was so in tune with myself and with the gospel. I felt so close to my Savior Jesus Christ and just felt at peace. It was a different kind of peace though, life still got hectic and I'm sure I still panicked. But at the end of the day I was so content and so at peace with where I was at in life. I remember when I made the decision in Texas to just take an hour out of my day to just study, whether it be the scriptures, talks, a book, whatever. I just wanted to study and think without distraction. I turned off my phone and began. Little did I know the big effect that decision (and making it a habit) would have on me.
Now, I often catch myself wondering WHY I cant get myself to start doing that again. I think I forget the long road it took me to get to making that small decision. In my mind it all mushes together and I feel like my spiritual growth happened over night BUT it didn't and I have to remind myself that often.
Life gets busy and in my down times I just want to relax and not think!
I drove up to Salt Lake a couple weekends ago by myself. I was so bummed that Craig couldn't come with me but honestly I desperately needed those 4 hours, I later found out. It made me remember how important it is to distance ourselves from the world around us and just take time to ourselves and THINK.
One thing that was hard about Texas but so rewarded was the LONG drives everywhere! Seriously it took at least 30 if not 40 min to get anywhere! But during those long drives it gave me plenty of time to listen to music/think.
40 minutes into the drive I think I was already tearing up... I don't even know what lead me to the thoughts I was having but I was so overwhelmed with the spirit. What really got me going was something I read on facebook ( I know I was driving but.....) It was just a silly little thing about what girls deserve out of a relationship or something I don't even remember. But it just got me thinking about some people I really care about and what they deserve and then I started thinking about my future girls and that's where I lost it!
Those of you who know me really well, know the anxiety I get when I think about having kids. Not the taking care of them or having a baby, those things don't scare me. It's the how do I teach them and how to love them unconditionally no matter what decisions they end up making. Those thoughts eat me alive because, people, we live in a CRAPPY world right now! I just had overwhelming thoughts such as how do I teach my girls of there worth and how special they are and what they deserve! It's pretty bad when I'm already worried about my kids and I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY YET! Heaven help me for when I actually have them. I think I'm slightly worried to have kids because of that reason. If I'm already anxious now how is it going to be when they are here!?
During the middle of my anxiety attack I had a moment of sweet clarity as if someone was speaking to my heart. I realized in that moment how hard it must have been for God to send us down here knowing what we would face! It wasn't anything profound, but those moments where you can relate to Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ are so calming. He had faith in us as I need to have faith in my future kids or even myself.
I guess another reason is, I feel so inadequate to be a parent as I'm sure most people feel. I don't feel like I myself or Craig and I as a couple are on the spiritual level I want to be on for when we start having a family. And I probably wont ever feel like we are on the level we need to be on considering we are being sent a perfect little soul straight from Heaven!
I recently was talking to a friend about how we envisioned marriage. We thought it would be so easy as a couple to just say prayers every night and read scriptures together. It would be so easy to focus our lives on the gospel and have Christ the center of our relationship......Well reality hit us both hard because it is definitely no walk in the park. It is hard work to make those things a habit in a relationship! It's even harder to set those goals for yourself to have personal prayer and scripture study. Now hopefully we aren't the only two out there that feel this way, but maybe we are, who knows. But man it has been a learning experience for me and I strive everyday (with a lot more fails that triumphs) to set those goals personally and as a couple.
I've just felt a little lost lately and after that car ride my eyes were opened to the fact that I just need to take time out of each day or as often as I can to just think to myself. We all need time to ourselves if we want to know ourselves!
So here's to a random blog post and hope that I can change up a few things in my daily routine.
Priorities
In sacrament today I pulled out my phone and decided to read my past posts on this blog, granted I should have been listening to the talks so carefully prepared by others but let me just say what a good kick in the pants it was for me. As I was reading my posts I felt as if it was a completely different person writing! It brought back some incredible experiences and growth in my life but also made me want to cry because I have drifted slowly away from all the growth that I was experiencing.
I feel the same way every time I pick up my Book Of Mormon to read because the one I read is the one I used during my time in Texas and I marked so many insights and thoughts that came to my mind that I am no longer receiving because Iv'e lost that dedication. Different things have slowly crept up and become more of a priority in my life. Silly things such as, Netflix, swimming, Netflix, eating, Netflix. I constantly think to myself how amazing it felt when I had my priorities straight. Why isn't that enough to make me want to hurry up and get back on track? I constantly ask myself that and unfortunately I am the only one to blame.
" We also need priorities. Our priorities determine what we seek in life." Dallin H Oaks.
Ok first of all Netflix is not my first priority but sadly I do spend A LOT of my down town watching silly tv shows. What does that say about what I seek in life? Sure I think it would be awesome to be a surgeon on Greys Anatomy but that is obviously so unrealistic. I don't think I have to completely cut Netflix out of my life but it definitely shouldn't even be on my priority list. There are so many other things I could be doing that could help me advance on earth and eventually eternal life.
"The choices you make will make all of the difference in what you want to achieve." Elder Perry
Honestly besides work It's hard to think of anything I spend my time doing that would help me achieve in any aspect of life. I will be going to school in the fall so that will definitely get me on a path to achieving something. Spiritually though, I need a good kick in the butt to get me back on the right path and figure out exactly what I need to be doing to help me achieve what I want and who I want to be.
How is it so easy to get distracted when you've had incredible spiritual experience?
Why is it so hard to get back on that path when you can so vividly remember how you felt?
I don't think I will ever know the answers to those questions and if someone does, please share. :)
Anyway on a happier note (and a completely different topic) I've been a little frustrated lately with our calling, teaching the 4 year olds. They have short attention spans and you can only talk for a minute or so before they get distracted. I completely understand that but there is this one girl in our class who really reeeeallllyyy has a hard time paying attention for just 2 seconds. I get so overwhelmed thinking that they aren't understanding or comprehending ANYTHING that I am saying. I repeat myself over and over and over again in hopes that they will catch on to something. Well, today in primary that same little girl was covering her ears during singing time, wasn't sure why but as long as she was being reverent I didn't mind. She quietly leaned over to me and said, "The Holy Ghost whispered to me and say'd " I love you."" In that small moment I realized they catch on a lot more then I think. Two weeks ago we talked about the Holy Ghost and how he talks to us. Maybe she heard him maybe she didn't but just hearing her say that gave me assurance that just maybe they do catch on to what I am saying. :)
I feel the same way every time I pick up my Book Of Mormon to read because the one I read is the one I used during my time in Texas and I marked so many insights and thoughts that came to my mind that I am no longer receiving because Iv'e lost that dedication. Different things have slowly crept up and become more of a priority in my life. Silly things such as, Netflix, swimming, Netflix, eating, Netflix. I constantly think to myself how amazing it felt when I had my priorities straight. Why isn't that enough to make me want to hurry up and get back on track? I constantly ask myself that and unfortunately I am the only one to blame.
" We also need priorities. Our priorities determine what we seek in life." Dallin H Oaks.
Ok first of all Netflix is not my first priority but sadly I do spend A LOT of my down town watching silly tv shows. What does that say about what I seek in life? Sure I think it would be awesome to be a surgeon on Greys Anatomy but that is obviously so unrealistic. I don't think I have to completely cut Netflix out of my life but it definitely shouldn't even be on my priority list. There are so many other things I could be doing that could help me advance on earth and eventually eternal life.
"The choices you make will make all of the difference in what you want to achieve." Elder Perry
Honestly besides work It's hard to think of anything I spend my time doing that would help me achieve in any aspect of life. I will be going to school in the fall so that will definitely get me on a path to achieving something. Spiritually though, I need a good kick in the butt to get me back on the right path and figure out exactly what I need to be doing to help me achieve what I want and who I want to be.
How is it so easy to get distracted when you've had incredible spiritual experience?
Why is it so hard to get back on that path when you can so vividly remember how you felt?
I don't think I will ever know the answers to those questions and if someone does, please share. :)
Anyway on a happier note (and a completely different topic) I've been a little frustrated lately with our calling, teaching the 4 year olds. They have short attention spans and you can only talk for a minute or so before they get distracted. I completely understand that but there is this one girl in our class who really reeeeallllyyy has a hard time paying attention for just 2 seconds. I get so overwhelmed thinking that they aren't understanding or comprehending ANYTHING that I am saying. I repeat myself over and over and over again in hopes that they will catch on to something. Well, today in primary that same little girl was covering her ears during singing time, wasn't sure why but as long as she was being reverent I didn't mind. She quietly leaned over to me and said, "The Holy Ghost whispered to me and say'd " I love you."" In that small moment I realized they catch on a lot more then I think. Two weeks ago we talked about the Holy Ghost and how he talks to us. Maybe she heard him maybe she didn't but just hearing her say that gave me assurance that just maybe they do catch on to what I am saying. :)
"I could not be shaken!"
In Jacob chapter 7 in the Book of Mormon it talks about Sherem the first Anti-Christ.
It explains Sherem as "Was learned, and he had a perfect knowledge of the language of the people; wherefore, he could use much flattery, and much power of speech, according to the power of the Devil."
Jacob was a man of faith and was troubled by Sherem and His flattery of leading people in the wrong direction. Jacob says "he (Sherem) had hope to shake me from the faith, notwithstanding the many revelations and the many things I had seen concerning these things; for I truly had seen angels, and they had ministered unto me. And also, I had heard the voice of the Lord speaking unto me in very word, from time to time; wherefore I COULD NOT BE SHAKEN!"
Now I know many of us have not experienced deep profound revelations, seeing angels or distinctly heard the voice of the Lord but we all have our own personal moments in life where we have come to know for ourselves the truthfulness of the Gospel (or any belief.) Some have yet to reach that point, which is just fine. I think many of us throughout our lives will have distinct moments in our lives where we really recognize what it is that we believe.
Before I moved to Texas if somebody asked me "when did you come to KNOW that this Gospel is true?" I would always get frustrated because I didn't have a specific moment. I was leaning on my parents, church leaders and ward members testimonies. I relied on church activities, girls camp and youth conferences to build my testimony. Of course all of those played a part and taught me the basics and lead me in the right path of truly finding out for myself what I believe and what I want to believe. If somebody were to ask me that question today I would without hesitation tell them Texas and then I would probably go on for hours about all the experiences and personal growth I had while I was there. I was placed in a ward surrounded by amazing people and given a calling as a ward missionary. Those two things are just at the start of the journey to finding out what I wanted to believe and how I wanted to live! Even people outside of church influenced me and made me a better person. I had to make choices and start new habits which is NEVER easy but I did it and the outcome that came from both was incredible. I literally could go on and on about my experience in Texas but I will stop there and continue on with the point of my post.
Bottom line is Jacob relied on those experiences in hard times. Sherem targeted Jacob because he new Jacob had great faith.
Hold on to those big or little moments in your life so when your faith is tried we can be like Jacob and NOT BE SHAKEN! What a profound statement. There is so much power in those 3 words!
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