Oh hey remember me?
It's been a while since I've blogged on here.

So I'm not even quite sure where to start with this post but I've had a lot of things on my mind and I just feel like this blog is a better place to put my thoughts.  I can honestly say I miss and crave that time in my life when I started this blog.  Reason being, I was so in tune with myself and with the gospel.  I felt so close to my Savior Jesus Christ and just felt at peace.  It was a different kind of peace though, life still got hectic and I'm sure I still panicked.  But at the end of the day I was so content and so at peace with where I was at in life.  I remember when  I made the decision in Texas to just take an hour out of my day to just study, whether it be the scriptures, talks, a book, whatever.  I just wanted to study and think without distraction.  I turned off my phone and began.  Little did I know the big effect that decision (and making it a habit) would have on me.

Now, I often catch myself wondering WHY I cant get myself to start doing that again.  I think I forget the long road it took me to get to making that small decision.  In my mind it all mushes together and I feel like my spiritual growth happened over night BUT it didn't and I have to remind myself that often.

Life gets busy and in my down times I just want to relax and not think!

I drove up to Salt Lake a couple weekends ago by myself.  I was so bummed that Craig couldn't come with me but honestly I desperately needed those 4 hours, I later found out.  It made me remember how important it is to distance ourselves from the world around us and just take time to ourselves and THINK.

One thing that was hard about Texas but so rewarded was the LONG drives everywhere!  Seriously it took at least 30 if not 40 min to get anywhere!  But during those long drives it gave me plenty of time to listen to music/think.

40 minutes into the drive I think I was already tearing up... I don't even know what lead me to the thoughts I was having but I was so overwhelmed with the spirit.  What really got me going was something I read on facebook ( I know I was driving but.....) It was just a silly little thing about what girls deserve out of a relationship or something I don't even remember.  But it just got me thinking about some people I really care about and what they deserve and then I started thinking about my future girls and that's where I lost it!

Those of you who know me really well, know the anxiety I get when I think about having kids.  Not the taking care of them or having a baby, those things don't scare me.  It's the how do I teach them and how to love them unconditionally no matter what decisions they end up making.  Those thoughts eat me alive because, people, we live in a CRAPPY world right now!  I just had overwhelming thoughts such as how do I teach my girls of there worth and how special they are and what they deserve!  It's pretty bad when I'm already worried about my kids and I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY YET!  Heaven help me for when I actually have them.  I think I'm slightly worried to have kids because of that reason.  If I'm already anxious now how is it going to be when they are here!?

During the middle of my anxiety attack I had a moment of sweet clarity as if someone was speaking to my heart.  I realized in that moment how hard it must have been for God to send us down here knowing what we would face!  It wasn't anything profound, but those moments where you can relate to Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ are so calming.  He had faith in us as I need to have faith in my future kids or even myself.

I guess another reason is, I feel so inadequate to be a parent as I'm sure most people feel.  I don't feel like I myself or Craig and I as a couple are on the spiritual level I want to be on for when we start having a family.  And I probably wont ever feel like we are on the level we need to be on considering we are being sent a perfect little soul straight from Heaven!  

I recently was talking to a friend about how we envisioned marriage.  We thought it would be so easy as a couple to just say prayers every night and read scriptures together.  It would be so easy to focus our lives on the gospel and have Christ the center of our relationship......Well reality hit us both hard because it is definitely no walk in the park.  It is hard work to make those things a habit in a relationship!  It's even harder to set those goals for yourself to have personal prayer and scripture study.  Now hopefully we aren't the only two out there that feel this way, but maybe we are, who knows.  But man it has been a learning experience for me and I strive everyday (with a lot more fails that triumphs) to set those goals personally and as a couple.

I've just felt a little lost lately and after that car ride my eyes were opened to the fact that I just need to take time out of each day or as often as I can to just think to myself.  We all need time to ourselves if we want to know ourselves!

So here's to a random blog post and hope that I can change up a few things in my daily routine.